Street Meat

This article is definitely going to raise some eyebrows but it's too great not to share.  Let me preface this by saying I'm not typically a scavenger, but I damn sure don't have a history of looking gift horses in the mouth, or cows for that matter.

About 8 months ago I got a call around 1 in the morning from an unknown number.  I pick up, thinking someone I know probably needs help or is in trouble but I'm still half asleep.

“Hello?”

“Hey is this Mr. Smith?”

“Yeah, who is this?”

“This is Officer Bla Bla Blah with the Alabama State Patrol.”

I’m wide awake now.  This gentleman proceeds to tell me that he just dispatched a full-grown cow right on the side of I-85.  Surely, I'm dreamingn my gosh it is 1 in the morning.  This doesn't usually happen, and I don't even know any state troopers, nor do I want to.  Come to find out, this cow jumped out of a stock trailer, (still scratching my head on that one) doing 70 down the interstate, and hurt itself in the process... probably because they were driving down the interstate at 70.  The officer was called to the scene and dispatched the cow for the sake of humaneness and to keep it out of the interstate (I can envision that lawsuit crystal clear).  I was referred to this officer by one out-of-town Richard because, “I might want a free cow”.

I crawled out of bed, called Cousin Stiffy for backup, and headed to the pin the officer dropped, bumper-pull trailer in tow.  We cocked my trailer to the side and used Stiffy’s Jeep and a chain to drag that road-beef cow up on the trailer.  We were off the highway, but it was barely an accomplishment considering how much work was left to be done.  A small fortune in ice from Bucee’s later, we returned to my house, working fast because it was the dead of summer, sourced every cooler and box fan we could find, and went to work.  That's right, we butchered that cow in my driveway.  And let me tell you, it was a damn mess.

Now this cow and one more would have made two for me cleaning wise, so we just cleaned it like a deer.  Wasteful? Sure, but not as wasteful as leaving it in a ditch.  It took all night to clean that cow and another hour or so to clean the driveway, but we finally got her packed on ice.  Nine coolers she took up, basically half my porch.  

Meticulously, for the next two weeks we drained water off those coolers and added ice, (wet aging they call it).  It probably cost $200 just in ice.  Realizing the problem at hand, we started whittling down at the bountiful plenty immediately, meal by meal.  Breakfast, lunch and dinner were planned for a long time.  Heck, I was accidentally keto for those two weeks but survived somehow.  Luckily Richard had a buddy that just happened to have an industrial sized electric meat grinder.  When those two weeks were up, he borrowed that beautiful meat grinding machine, and it took us probably 6 hours to trim and grind down all that meat.  Needless to say it filled all our freezers and most of the fridge.  

Today I finally thawed and ate the last pound of that ground beef, and let me tell you, that’ll be the last time I willingly eat ground beef for a long time. I'm sure you’ve heard the phrase, “How do you eat an elephant?” “One bite at a time.” Well, the same applies to a cow.  One ground beef taco at a time. 

By: Benjamin Smith